Sally Forth Mama - Eyes Forward

Today I'm contemplating failure.  Failure to self, failure to family, failure to faith... all the bad stuff from all the years.  I mean like...since I was big enough to know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, kindness and meanness. It's a lot. It's a bunch. I find myself sitting and imagining myself going back in time and undoing things and then doing them differently, but I know this is a fruitless exercise.  You can't go backward. You can only look back there and grieve the mistake or be embarrassed by whatever it was, then take a look at your present, say you are sorry and that you'll do better next time and move forward.  Somebody wise once said something like "Don't look behind you, you aren't going that direction".  But, I look over my shoulder incessantly.  It's like I don't even want to forget.  Like some sort of disease. Why am I like that?  Don't know.

Today I'm contemplating Mother's Day and what it is to be a Mom. If I could just go back in time.  LORD, if I could go back and do some things differently.  (see above paragraph related to the reason I should not be wasting my time thinking these thoughts).  How pleasing to know I have really great kids despite my inadequacy. How thankful I am that God provides what we need despite our humanity.

Today I'm contemplating just forgiving myself. I've asked my Creator for forgiveness.  He said yes.  I also feel like He might have rolled His heavenly eyes at me as he did it.  You know... "how many times to I have to say that before she gets it?"  I think the problem is that it is STILL my tendency to continue to do the wrong thing and that thought has me all sideways.  Even after I face the consequences of a misdeed I'm still trying to be selfish. And I do believe THAT is the true disease.  Man I need to stop to that.

Today, I'm contemplating stopping that.  Better yet I should stop contemplating at all and just stop it.

HBOB
LRTSGD